day 175 (day 7 / week 25)

I want to start off and thank everyone for your kind words and encouragement. You all had such encouraging things to say and you all are right.

Yesterday was a bad day for me so I threw all my chips on the table to see what I had, and today I am going to make a new start with a different mentality (hopefully it will stick).

You guys are right, going into this I didn't have any number but 365 in mind. Now that it's been 6 months, yes I have lost weight and inches, and yes I can do things I couldn't before, but I am still obese, and people still see me that way. You wouldn't know by looking at me that I stay within a set caloric range and exercise daily. I feel like a thin person trapped inside of a huge disgusting body. People that know me don't even think I have stuck with exercising because I am still fat. My husband knows, because he is there. My own mother that I see on a weekly basis is even rude about it (I know I need to give her a word or 2, but it's hard to say something to her--she's my mom!). I could jog laps around every single one of these people that judge me, but no one knows this but me. Everyone (including myself) expects me to be skinny by now. I want to cry out that I am healthy, or get a custom made shirt to prove it (lol), but I won't ever be truly healthy until I am no longer obese and overweight. I need to get over this. You guys are right, if I am in this for the long haul, it needs to be about the healthy lifestyle first, and weight loss second. BUT (and this is a big butt...hehehe) the sad truth is that I need to lose weight in order to get there. I am obese. The only way this will change is if I lose weight. I never wanted this to be about losing weight, but in order to reach the ultimate goal of being healthy, I HAVE to.

The other day when I did the calorie calculation, I nonchalantly mentioned my goal weight--135, but it could have been easily overlooked (I meant for it to be that way). I even went as far as to say that I wanted to reach this by Jan 1, 2010, which is a very healthy goal if I lose 2 lbs a week (this is obviously not happening).To do the calculation you need to have a goal weight in mind, so I picked the highest weight in the recommended range (medical) for my height--102-135. Once I reach 135, anything is possible from there. On my sparkpage, I have weight goals written as well:

1) 200 lbs (done)
2) 180 lbs (although lately 190 has been a big goal)
3) 150 lbs
4) 135 lbs

...heck! Anything is possible NOW I just need to stop having wavering faith and just keep high faith that I can do this, because He gives me the strength to!

Ellie is right. It's not as simple as calories in and calories out. I say that a lot, and I am a douche. It has everything to do with quality of food. I need to work on this. Right now I just fit inside of a number, but if I want chips, I make room in my number bank so that I can have chips. I do this with ice cream too (sugar free, which my hubby really hates that I eat lmao) I still fit in the number. If I wanted to eat chips or ice cream all day long and still fit in my range, that would not be good. I don't do that, because I have learned (about myself) that when I do eat junk, it makes me hungrier and crave more junk (another danger zone). I do need to work on quality though. Better quality. This is a habit I want to stick around forever.

I also need to start watching salt. This is so easy to lose track of! Did you know that a recommended serving of salt is 1 teaspoon a day? I always knew salt wasn't great for you but I honestly thought it was a typo or a spoken mistake when I heard 1 tsp for the first time. I thought "maybe they mean 1 Tablespoon." WOW (not the world of warcraft wow either...lol). Watching Rachael Ray and all of the food network stars at play, blows my mind--they throw salt in their creations like it's nothing! I don't eat this much salt but I bet it's more than 1 tsp a day.

Anyway enough of that. I have a lot to work on and I feel so blessed that you guys are here to support me on my strongest and weakest days. You guys are my stars in a dark sky!

Today I woke up early, did my no computer thing *cry* and man I was SO sore! The standing oblique crunches that I did the other day kicked me hard. Yesterday the windmill lunge things made the lung/knee things from my first Quickfire Challenge kick in again. Today I am feeling everything...which is good. It means my body isn't used to this and it will adapt! Yaay!!! The quickfire for today was to do 100 total (in groups of 20-25) straight leg tricep dips on a chair--which I can't do yet, so I opted to do the 2nd--wall push ups. These feel harmless, but I'm sure I will feel them tomorrow. 5 sets of 20 or 4 of 25 (just get to 100 anyway you can).

Before this, I turned on the 30 day shred (level 1 day 24). I was way too sore to do that. I got about 10 minutes in and had to turn it off. I felt so stiff and could barely move the way she wanted us to. Then put on Turbo Jam's Turbo Sculpt and could only get through 5 mins of that, so I put on Ab Jam and did the 20 minutes. Turbo Jam made me feel a little better because a lot of the movements are very long and stretchy. 35 minutes in all, but I was feeling really sore. I do feel better now (not so stiff and sore), and want to go try to do the 30 day shred again. Hopefully the Monkey Boy will go down so that I can try again. I am calling today a (non)rest day regardless, just because being so sore, I need to take it easy. If I don't get back to it today, I am not going to beat myself up because I don't want to make things worse for tomorrow!

Thank you again for your support and help! I don't have the words to describe how amazing it feels to have someone help you up when you fall. It's just such a blessing!

Make today count! I am because you guys are helping me to! Every step of the way!

I can do this. I am a star!