One baby step at a time...

In the last week I have done some serious soul searching. I have gained a lot of weight since the beginning of the year and I am unhappy because of it. It forced me to sit down and just think. I am a firm believer that we are the only ones that can make us feel the way that we do, so if I'm unhappy, it's my fault. So now that I know that I am unhappy, and can point a finger, how am I going to fix it?

I just started over.

I let everything go. Everything that made me angry, all of the "what if's" (what if I had kept exercising 24/7? What would I look like now?) and all of the bad habits that speak louder than the good ones. They just aren't worth it, and sometimes we have to learn that the hard way. I did. Again. It sucks but I'm over it and I'm back.

On Friday I did my measurements *gasp!* and don't like what I see. I am into most of my fat clothes again, and my semi-fat clothes, the ones that I was so proud to wear again, are just semi-fat clothes again. The kind I can't really wear comfortably. I didn't take a picture, but I should (will have to take some pathetic begging and kissing up to the hubby). After a month (on 5/16) I will share my results with all of you, and continue to do so each month. It's about time that I started doing this again!

Anyway, after I took my measurements and weighed myself, I exercised. Everything that stands in my way on a daily basis (on my non working days) was there. The monkey boy woke up early--he is EXTREMELY opposed to my exercising as it gets in the way of his Fresh Beat Band time and I just wasn't feeling it. I feel fat, and when I feel fat, I don't want to exercise. Isn't that kind of ironic? I turned on my EA Sports Active on the Wii and set it to a hard workout, because, well lets face it, I needed a HARD workout. I got 13 minutes into it and quit. I was frustrated because I could do this easily last year. What the heck is my problem?? I totally let go of that. I told myself 13 minutes was better than nothing (and it is), and just tried to move on.

Then I had an epiphany. I cant expect to just start up where I left off. I am a firm believer of baby steps, and although I had taken them once before, I had to do them again, because I let myself stop. Another blessing of momentum. I miss momentum, but in the last 3 days I have started to gain it back. Yes, that means I have exercised everyday since Friday. Not a big deal, but it's a good start.

I also can't expect to just exercise for a few days, or really hard one day (like I tried on Friday) and get my results back. I got my results one day at a time, and unfortunately I am going to have to achieve them that way again. Remembering this, put my mind at ease. All I have to do is exercise daily. One time, once a day. Not all day, like I was when I was staying home, and didn't work. I don't have to do that, and it's unrealistic for me to think that I should have to. Baby steps, one step at a time.

Friday 4/16: 13 minutes EA Sports Active (Hard mode)
Sat 4/17: 21 minutes, EA Sports Active (Medium mode)
Sun 4/18: 26 minutes, EA Sports Active (Medium mode).

Three days in, and I feel better about exercising. I still feel fat, but I am doing what I am supposed to. Time heals all wounds.

Now I just need to focus on food again. Thank goodness for Sparkpeople, that's all I gotta say.

I officially started my new job 4 days ago (a lateral move w/in the hospital), and my schedule has changed to one hour earlier. The good news is that I get off one hour earlier, but the bad news is that I have to wake up, and be to work much earlier *cry* (exercising before work is not an option anymore). Exercising during lunch is not an option either, as I have 30 minutes for lunch and 1 (technically 2, but I never take the 2nd) 15 minute break, to eat breakfast/lunch/dinner during. Have you ever tried to eat a salad in less than 20 minutes? It's hard. I want to try to exercise after work, but I have 3 things against me. Mentally drained, hubby is home (For some reason I can't seriously exercise when he is around) and the Monkey Boy is home (he hates when I take up the living room to exercise). We'll see. I won't stress myself out w/ it yet, and will just take it one day at a time, one baby step at a time.

I hope you all are well. I have been lurking in the background still, and still get my daily dose of so many of you. I never in a million years thought that reading your blogs would be therapeutic for me. Who'da thunk it?

Have a great weekend, and I'll see you soon.

I can do this. I am a star!

Where has the time gone?

My gosh, time has flown by. I guess it's been about two weeks since my last post, but it doesn't feel like it at all.

My new work schedule is kind of wonky. Instead of working in one lump and having like 4 days off in a row, now it's working 2 on 1 off 3 on 2 off, etc. I like working the monitors so it isn't a big deal. I just need to readjust EVERYTHING.

I must have started the 30 day challenge on the EA Active Sports two or three times now. I just started it over last week, and said to myself, "I will exercise when I get home from work at 6:45p because it won't be too late, and I wont be physically exhausted (b/c I'm not on the floor)." Well then I forgot and fell asleep on the couch lol. The next day (also a workday) I forgot until like 1230 in the morning (have you ever remembered something while you were sleeping that it woke you up?), and was so disappointed with myself that I wasn't able to get fully back to sleep and had those dreams where I felt like I was awake lying in bed, trying to fall to sleep, but was really sleeping (know what I'm taking about?).

Anyway, I'm just disappointed. I don't know why my mind has been so distracted away from exercise. It was the center of everything I did last year, and I miss that. My life is just so different now with work, and I want to make them both work. Two or 3 days ago I did my EA Sports Active and was SO sore the next day from the lunges and squats. Last night I worked on the floor (maybe for the last time?), and I counted that as exercise, like I have always done. Today...today I don't know what I'll do but I will keep myself posted here.

When did accountability lose it's touch for me? That's what kept me the most motivated. Maybe it's because I lost my momentum. I'll never get it back, until I do something about it...

Hope everyone is well, and is sticking to whatever it is you are trying to accomplish.